So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
