new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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