I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
