You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Randomize