I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
