okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
