he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
