im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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