The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we're so committed to being not committed
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
