The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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