She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
