I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
