The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
