Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
