I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
