im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
So. Much. Porn.
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