Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
