please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
