If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
