i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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