I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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