Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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