I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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