I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
