Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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