All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Apparently you make a good broom.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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