I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
