Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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