i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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