insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
wow bdsm is so cute
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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