i would one night stand the shit outta him
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
These tits shall not be calmed
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize