just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
