Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
