Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
