thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
