if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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