so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize