He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
