pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
