I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
