She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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