He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
