fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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