nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
