what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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