Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
