well I can't set my house on fire every night
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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