I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
