He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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