I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
And then he peed in my hair
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