everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
