I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize