i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
