never play flip cup with pint glasses
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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