I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
