thus making me awesome and them whores
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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