last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
