I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
