He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
