hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
