If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
