Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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