the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
