Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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